There Comes a Time

I feel humbled by the Universe and all its awe. At times I wonder just how it seems to know just that which I truly need to better understand or grow from experience. I know that we all travel the road of life in different ways. I also realise that my journey will be different as it is unique to me.

I have felt a little unsettled and uncertain in the past few days. I almost felt like a a wave on the ocean trying to find shore. Silly as it seems my emotions ebbed and surged forth but I truly lacked the distance to reach land.

I tossed and turned and considered my choices. I felt I really had none but, often it helps to feel one has some tempting in the hand of the universal energy even if it is a numb one. I was truly bothered and perplexed at how my seemingly balanced and equal life seemed a little off key and jilted.

I was not agitated or annoyed just lost. You know the feeling you get when you know something is missing but you haven't quite figured it out until it hits you. That's me. I mean no I am not going to hit you! but that is how I felt. I was like a balloon that once lost its ability to float but instead I am deflated and looking a little wrinkled by my once exuberance and usefulness.

I sat in my bed wondering what is it? what am I missing? What is it that is not connecting the dots or creating the same internal force of change that I so readily embrace each day. Why do I feel so blah? Where is my belly laugh? What happened to my get over it attitude? Why am I thinking I am the only one feeling like this as I observe others so merrily going about their day.

I know that I have not lost my sense of purpose yet I feel I am questioning myself about what they truly may be. Am I happy ? yes to a degree I am. I am grateful for my good health, my family, my life I have chosen. I am happy.

I look at my life and all that I have accomplished and that which is yet to arrive and I feel that I have achieved a lot. I feel fulfilled in my accomplishments for that has made me become the person I felt compelled to be.

I think even harder what is it? what is it that is creating this gulf between my self and my me? What is enabling me to feel detached from my usual jubilant self. Am I turning into an old fart? Am I tired? Do I lack spontaneity or a goal? I find myself probing beneath my layers seeking the answer so that I may put that piece of whatever is missing back.

I start to mentally tick off all that I hold gratitude for in my life. I thank my guides and angels for their provisions and understanding. I thank them for being a part of my journey no matter how much I must drive them crazy or turn them grey!

I find myself laying wide eyed and staring at the ceiling in the dark. Little shapes float by and my thoughts try to find a logic to a sign or symbol that might come forth. I speak to my guides and say to them that I truly am feeling a little lost but I am uncertain of the true nature of that which is creating such a short fall within.

I ask them to give me direction on that which I am so very much overlooking or failing to better understand. I ask that they may help me to find a sense of resolution or to better see that which is creating this feeling of distance. As I lay there in the darkness watching the space fill with shifting thoughts to the sound of my own breathing.

I realise in that moment, there comes a time we must detach and step back. A time that we must allow our energy to recuperate, settle and find its own source again. Almost like plugging back into the universal socket and allowing  one self to recharge. I gather if I was to liken it to when the mobile phone goes completely flat and that panicked moment you plug it in to wait what seems like an eternity before you hear BLING and the battery light starts flashing to let you know it is charging.

I had that BLING moment laying there in the dark as I started to realise this was my moment of running flat. I was needing to do so to enable myself to plug back into the source. I was half expecting a software update but alas I still woke up the same model!

In this time of stepping back we see a new perspective on an old situation. We have a realization and possibly an arr har moment. We tend to find that in that void we are neither lost or found we are just within that moment. Although it does not feel like that when we first enter the experience. It feels like what am I missing as you pat yourself down doing that mental check, undies, socks, purse? Everything seems intact but you still feel you are missing something.

What was I missing? Time out for me. I am so used to being busy when I have a time out I am not accustomed to it is very foreign. I truly do tend to over do it when I do work I know this. I enjoy something I enjoy it to exhaustion. I call myself OCD when it comes to a good thing. Be it listening to a song, making a grand plan or just visualizing a dream. I will dedicate myself to seeing it through 100 times over until its exhausted.

I ask the universe in my moment of feeling like Sandra Bullock in Gravity, is this it? Is this what I am meant to do just float around waiting for something to hang onto before I get sucked into oblivion? Of course no George Clooney arrived to save my day but I did get the idea this short moment of space travel was important.

I began to realise the space between me and the universe was not a unreachable space ship just a time for me to gain perspective on my life, myself and my real purpose. What is my real purpose? I have no real idea, although I know I live it everyday without needing to know it. I know that sounds crazy but that is the truth.

I get up and just do whatever the day delivers. If it is a three course meal then great. If it is bread and water then thank you. I just know that I am doing whatever it is I must be meant to be doing. There is no right or wrongs just experiences and journeys.

So I realised I was having time out. My battery was flat I needed a reboot and recharge. In this moment of detachment I also had some reality checks. I took a closer look at my actions, thoughts and emotions. I realised that there comes a time .......................... to step back and take time out.

Negative vs Positive = Crap

We can all relate to a time that we have given so much to end with little as slap in the face. The times you try so hard to find out your energy was ammunition for the lesser. The moments you are dismissed, degraded and left shell shocked by someone who is a professional in sarcasm and narcissism.

The professional  usually sports a smug smile and a scented of arrogance that lingers with a small yet false apology. The one that almost makes you feel sorry for being that which you are or for voicing your concern.

The professional sarcasm seems to know the right words to say to shoot you into a false submission making think look the wiser most important person. You know the one who makes you question your genuineness when they are nothing but a falsehood trying to dominate with all their might to be a knowledgeable person who has an ego larger than the economical deficit.

This person delights in dredging up inadequacies and creating a rift of feelings. The more turmoil they have in their midst the better that feel Superior. They call others fools for facing off and creating a challenge,. They demean, falsify and create trouble and rifts. They thrive on their negative thoughts and hear say as a validation for their mere reasoning behind their attacks.

These people enjoy thinking they have the upper hand as their ego takes on  a life of its own. If you dare to challenge them they rip away the fabric of that which you love and respect. They find solace in their truths that are created from the irrational thoughts and lies.They choose to hold that which reinforces their negative behaviors.

These people create a drama and reinforce their will. The more recognize they are not right, they then use their emotive blackmail to let you know they hold power. They look at what they think is your weakest point and fixate on that which they can reinforce over and over. "you said you were not good at that remember you said it and so be it you are not good at that as you said it yourself and i am only repeating it as you have said it. "

They stay focused on the past and create all their baggage and bullets from such. Dredging up all they can in order to may themselves look superior and gracious. After all they are doing you the favour to repeat what they so adamantly think are your or those around you  faults and shortfalls.

Little do they know as a vibration that you have chosen to rise that which you no longer hold those same lower energies or thoughts., You see beyond to see an almost pity of compassion for the one trying to drag you effortlessly down to their level.

You start to see their ego is a thorn that they have struggled and given into. You see that you beyond their reach yet they try to drag you down even using their blackmail and assertion of power taking every form of control. They try to rip away what which they think is your weakest and most stable link. Yes they try to create a drama in your life that affects many.

They take the victim lead with a helping of truth, They ask you for advice whilst shooting your reply down with irrational reasoning. They truly are only looking for validation on the self righteous actions. Their demeaning words and embarrassing disrespectful manners. Their shooting and accusatory words. Their childish ways that hurts others in order to divert the attention away from the inferior person they are.

Their disgusting actions , language and belittling ways that will take the normal person by shock as noone would envisage such behaviour from a trusted bond of friendship/family or other.. The attitude of creating such a falsehood exhilarates them and inspires their motives to continue. They love feeling they are in control and creating such angst. The bigger the turmoil the larger the smile of satisfaction.

The ego greets you before they do. You are meet with a smile of contempt that brings down the hammer of reality. This person thinks they are God and their opinion is law. Dare you to cross them and think otherwise they will have your guts for garters. They will strip you down and make a mockery of you. They are the the persecutors of their own law. They are the ones most needing love and yet denying it.

They believe they are right. They are doing all that is right and you are wrong and wouldn't you do this after all the victim is the victim and you the sightseer. Would you not take their side you fool of a person that has never lived life beneath that which is only right by them.

What your parents never said they loved you justifies never say i love you or a good thing about your accomplishments,.Oh what you never had an education justifies those who do. So you had an imperfect life, so did most of us but we did not poke a stick at you.

They use whoever or whatever  they can to bring their ego to light. They do whatever they can to make you look lower than them.

My advice to all in this position is to know you are not alone. That the person doing this is below and beneath you that is why they have such power.; They think you are so afraid to say anything or do anything as they  they rely on your ability to love or want the one thing they are trying to create as rift. They want you to not say anything so they can rule their roost.

This person wants you to think you are inferior. You are worthless and not of their standards. They want you to believe they feed you when you are worth with praise or love. They want you believe they are the key.

Truth is they are not. Truth is they know this but will try to rule all the same . They want you thinking that you will answer to them.

What do you do?

Be honest with yourself and know your pity is as i am told " it is the apathy of others that allow those to do as they do" unfortunately those with an ego wont see his/hers statement as any more than their own statement towards their self righteous ways. They believe it is their right to make everyone who does not agree with them a living hell.

xx Cosmic Hugs xx

Mercury Retrograde June 2014

My Home, My Mother/Father, My Family

(Totally from my perspective and interpretation of Mercury retrograde in the house of Cancer)

This month you will feel that force of mercury, the planet of communication and thoughts, retracing its steps through the house of the home and father/ mother (Cancer) and into the house of the siblings,study and short trips(Gemini).

This could reactivate situations pertaining to father/mother, home and family. There may be old issues resurfacing that could need talking out or sorting through. For some this mercury retrograde could bring up resourceful choices or decision making particularly through reunions, reuniting with family or retracing family history. There could very well be some medical areas uncovered pertaining to the genetics of both parents or the heritage line.

Mercury retrograde can have a very productive way of bringing the truth to the surface and allowing one to see, heal and better understand the lesson of such. This is important to remember that when the planet of communication is in reverse so may be your thinking and speech.

Old wounds could resurface, harsh words may be spoken. The home and family may embark on a period of letting go, forgiveness and taking a closer look at that which has created this rift, distance or unsettling between members. Mercury retrograde gifts you with the chance to revisit, acknowledge and learn from that which has transpired. As I said. getting to the bottom of a situation or uncovering the truth in a matter concerning the family or home will be like a pimple on the bottom to some. You know it hurts but you still have to look at it and do something about it as it may not go away. It could just lay dormant until the next time.

This could be the time one of your parents disclose a secret that was never spoken or hinted. Perhaps you feel a rise in an issue that you have kept under wraps concerning your home or family. In either case this month enables you to retrace the steps in which to better understand or comprehend that which may have been missed previously.

We all have family issues. There is not one person that has not or does not. I personally have seen the rift of family throughout my years. How words said in haste, in-laws, outlaws, or distance has created a void that seems to never truly fill. A bit like seeing a picture of the grand canyon or another great canyon or gulf, looks mighty, has history but so much ground and distance to cover before one could really appreciate or understand the universes reasoning of creating such a moment stamped in time forever.

When we are missing someone from our life, we miss their emotional connection. We miss the heritage, history and all that has been shared no matter how short or long. We miss that sense of being as that person is absent and a key player in who we are or have become. Over the years we see the distance over that which once was the connection. (Grand Canyon) we loose a part of that connection that will not ever be replaced but may be reshaped by life experience and  how we choose to heal or embrace the experience.

I often say it is the living that hurt the most when we lose them. The ones who have passed over we miss too but we are coming to terms with the understanding that they are in a better place, with us always. It is a rational understanding or logic that gives us a place to grieve.

When we lose a living person from our life. One who through indifference or life path choices we can grieve but part of us also craves the connection or better understanding of why the connection was lost in the first place. Our rational minds will tell us why but our emotions will crave for closure, understanding or the reunion.

I can imagine this is the case for adoptive families, for those who have lost contact with a family member through lost years or other circumstance. To have the knowledge of knowing that they exist but where, how, why, or when questions will need answers.

Personally I can share many instances of living loses. I grew up in a family of uncles, aunts and cousins that lived away. The connection was there and over the years it spread thinly as each matriarch passed over to greet their maker. The family lost contact or fell short on effort. The purpose of unity seemed lost or was most likely not fully there thus allowing the gulf to grow larger til eventually it is like the grand canyon............... a long donkey ride to see or visit that which once steeped in much history and life.

About 4 years ago, my brother, still living, parted ways. We live within 1 minute of each other and often we cross paths without acknowledgement. I see my niece and nephew have grown from a distance and over the years have come to understand this gulf was possibly a lesson in itself that was meant to be.

We as a family are not perfect, no one on this earth plane is. We had a own opinions and independence in life choices. No one really pointed the finger at anyone to blame as we all knew that we are imperfect and that although we may make choices or decisions this does not take away the bond of family and the unconditional reason why you love them.

My dad left the family home when I was 2 years old. Almost 19 years later I reconnect with him and my first words to him face to face were " I do not care about the past, I can about now and Dad I just want to get to know you from now before you have one foot in the grave" I did not need to forgive or dredge up the past. I had no pain or hurt to confront him with as I fully understood through my rational mind why he possibly made the choices he did. It did not mean I did not miss him or wonder where he was or even was resentful at moments I felt he abandoned me. I just knew that he was missing and finding him was more important to my healing than missing him without  finding answers or  having that contact or connection.

So, 4 years ago my brother decided to cut all contact. This hurt more so because I knew that this was impossible to fix. That time would grow and that I would miss him greatly but I was powerless to change his reasoning. I never once stood against my brother, I never once played the inlaw verses blood game nor did I ever pick away at his life or his choices. I love him for the person he is and in all honestly he was my wind beneath my wings.

I would look at him and just love him to bits. We shared some great times laughing and growing up. Sheez the mischief we got into was worth a novel or two but all that is now missing. I do not have contact with him even though we will pass at the end of the street or cross paths in the shopping centre. I can not walk up to him and say " I understand you reasons, I respect your choices but listen silly old goat (he is a capricorn) come down off the mountain and let's enjoy being a family."

The break in this relationship with my brother was and is varied. Depending on the topic of discussion or the day I am able to say it was because of his hurt or pain with this one or that person. I could say it was his protection, his defensiveness, his choice or his whatever. I could say a lot, but it will not fix this rift that has grown wider over the time. It will not bring back the connection because he has control over this matter and how it has unfolded and how it will continue to unfold in the future.

You may be sitting there saying, well Carolyn just walk down to his door and say bugger it I am here now put the kettle on and lets just get on with life and stop this silliness. Unfortunately, it will not ever be a probable solution as it takes two willing to make an effort.

I can make all the effort I like by myself but without him being open to such it is just a unreachable dream. I have over time let go of the hurt or the being pissed off with his attitude or reason. I actually can see that he has his own reasons and as I have said I respect these. I may not ever fully ever get over the living grief of missing him but I have let go of the resentment and pain of him cutting me out of his life and disconnecting from his nieces and nephews.

I have come to an understanding that this has served a valuable purpose and lesson in my life. I have come to recognise I cant heal the issue from any other angle but my own. I have accepted that although we pass it is not  a matter of whether he will make the first step or I. I have respected that this has been a valuable lesson for both and possibly the best course considering the circumstances that led to him making this choice. I have accepted that no matter how many times I may have turned the other cheek, smiled or tried to fix matters it may have been unsuccessfully resolved. I have had to acknowledge and accept the problem or reasoning behind this rift was always going to be there, dormant and in waiting until it could surface again.

This is a classic example of a mercury retrograde and its influence or purpose when it transit Cancer - the home, family and mother/father house. You may be taken back into a time when words cut sharper than a a samurai sword. Where actions created a chain of events that felt like an uncontrolled locomotive. You may be reconnecting physically, emotionally or through memories, but no matter which way you look at this mercury retrograde it will bring your attention to that which needs acknowledging.

This next 4 weeks you could reunite with family, embrace changes home, see a solution to a past argument or find peace in a better understanding of those events or past actions that have affected the house of Cancer. You will see the true connection and significance of parental roles and the influence of that which has shaped your life. This is your time to nurture your own self and take care of you. Allow the universe to help you see that which no longer serves your higher purpose be released and allow the healing to enter.

This is influence is enabling you to slow down and reassess your life, your thoughts, your actions, your words and your future by accessing the past and present moments.

xx Cosmic Hugs xx